Sharp hints of tears
by Jessica12
Summary: (3/3)- To let go- Lorelai/Luke, Lorelai/Max - It's time to make a decision. What happened after the kiss Luke and Lorelai shared? please Review!
1. Default Chapter

Title: Sharp hints of tears  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Lorelai/Max, Lorelai/Luke  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
Summary: Can a kiss change everything?  
AUTHORS NOTE: In this Lorelai never broke up with Max and they  
got married...They have been married for about a year.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
THANK YOU: To Sandra for helping me out here....  
**********************  
"Maybe I oughta mention  
Was never my intention  
To harm you or your kin  
Are you so scared to look within  
The ghosts are crawling on our skin  
We may race and we may run  
We'll not undo what has been done  
Or change the moment when it's gone  
  
Honey if I'm honest  
I still don't know what love is...."  
( From "The other side" by David Gray 'A new day at midnight' )  
**********************  
Sharp hints of tears (1/3)  
by:Jessica  
****************  
I can hear him moving around upstairs.  
The house is still now.  
Calm.  
The sun makes its way into the room as I rise.  
My legs feel weak.  
I should go to him.  
But I know that I can't stop him.  
He made that clear.  
My hands tremble as I wipe away the last remaining tear.  
I move into the kitchen and turn on the radio.  
Some sappy love song fills the room.  
I cling to the sink while he comes downstairs.  
He stops in the doorway to the kitchen.  
I don't turn around.  
I can't see his eyes as he says goodbye.  
That I can't take.  
Everything besides that.  
"Lor."  
"Max..I.."  
I want to say something.  
A voice is screaming in my ear to stop him.  
But I don't know how.  
"No, Lor..don't.."  
I turn around.  
I avoid his eyes as I speak:  
"I wasn't.."  
"Don't lie to me. I have had too many lies told to me today."  
"Max, please."  
He moves closer to me.  
Suitcase in one hand.  
I keep my eyes fixed on that one.  
Not wanting to see the pain in his eyes.  
The pain I caused.  
He stops in front of me.  
I know that if he touches me now I will surely fall.  
Crumble.  
"I will come back for the other stuff.."  
"Please..there has to be.."  
"We talked about this.."  
"But.."  
"No, Lor.."  
He turns to leave.  
I'm already missing his touch.  
A scream is lodged in my throat.  
"MAX!"  
I turn around.  
He stops in the doorway with his back turned.  
"I can't stay. You know why."  
"But.."  
"You have to make a decision."  
"No, Max...I know..now.."  
"Lor,.."  
I move towards him.  
I reach out my hand and take his hand in mine.  
"Please, stay."  
"Don't do this to me. I can't take it."  
"Then stay."  
"No, I can't. Not this time."  
He turns towards me.  
His eyes are clouded with pain as they meet mine.  
"I will do what ever you want.."  
"You know what I want."  
"Everything but that."  
"You have to."  
"Please, Max..I can't."  
"All I'm asking is for you to make a choice.."  
"No..please.."  
Tears fill my eyes as I look at him now.  
"Don't.."  
"Him or me, Lor...Make up your mind."  
I stand there, holding the hand of the man I married.  
The man I love in so many ways.  
While my heart slowly falls a part.  
"I can't do that.."  
"Then there is not much more to talk about."  
He lets go of my hand and pick up the suitcase.  
"Max!"  
"I'll be in Hartford for a couple of days then I will come back  
here for my things..."  
"Please..All I need is time."  
His eyes pierce into me.  
I can see pain there.  
Sorrow.  
Anger.  
"Why? You have had a lifetime to choose."  
"He is my friend, Max."  
"You don't kiss a friend."  
"He kissed me."  
"You didn't fight him off."  
"It was a mistake."  
"I'm not so sure."  
"Please, you have to believe me."  
"Prove it! Make a choice..Him or me. That's all I'm asking."  
"You are asking me to give up a big part of my life."  
"Just Luke."  
Silence followed.  
I stood there in my kitchen feeling like the whole world  
came down around me.  
How could he ask me to give him up?  
My friend.  
Luke.  
That had been there for me so many times.  
That had saved me.  
Helped me.  
That made me smile.  
How could he ask me to give up a friend?  
"I don't know if I can..."  
With those words I saw something break inside of him.  
I could almost hear it.  
His heart breaking.  
"Then there's nothing else to say."  
He started to walk towards the frontdoor.  
I moved slowly.  
Watching him go.  
He open the door slowly.  
He stopped in the doorway.  
He looked back at me.  
"Make a decision..."  
Then he turned around and walked out of my life.  
  
*********************************  
Feedback j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
Part two deals with what happened between Luke and   
Lorelai and the events that lead up to Max leaving. 


	2. Losing myself again

Title: Sharp hints of tears - Losing myself again  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Lorelai/Max, Lorelai/Luke  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
Summary: Can a kiss change everything?  
AUTHORS NOTE: Lorelai and Max has been married for about a year.  
Rory is still Rory..No Jess, though.  
English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
THANK YOU: Sandra, Sandra, Sandra..what can I say besides thank you..  
You're my hero...!:)  
*************************************************  
"This is what I vow;  
He shall have my heart to keep,  
Sweetly will we stir and sleep,  
All the years, as now.  
Swift the measured sands may run;  
Love like this is never done;  
He and I are welded one:  
This is what I vow.  
  
This is what I pray:  
Keep him by me tenderly;  
Keep him sweet in pride of me,  
Ever and a day;  
Keep me from the old distress;  
Let me, for our happiness,  
Be the one to love the less:  
This is what I pray."  
(From "Somebody's Song" by Dorothy Parker )  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Sharp hints of tears (2/3)  
Losing myself again  
by: Jessica  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Six months earlier  
------------------  
I don't know how long I stood there staring at that sign.  
The first thought that flew through my mind was that it was a joke.  
It had to be.  
I prayed that it had to be.  
But I knew the truth.  
I had heard it been spoken about in all corners of this  
small town.  
But I didn't believe.  
Until now.  
Until I stood there in front of his door.  
He was gone.  
Luke Danes had left Stars Hollow.  
Just like that.  
He had just closed the diner, picked up his things and left.  
No goodbyes.  
Not even a word.  
He had just left.  
Like I meant nothing.  
He didn't even say goodbye.  
I stood there a long time while the rain came rolling in.  
Then I moved.  
I dared to move.  
To go back to the man that I clung to.  
  
The house was still as I fumbled with the keys and opened  
the front door.  
I had walked through the streets of this town searching for  
something that I feared naming.  
Something to kill those voices that whispered in my head.  
Trying to find direction.  
Trying to find a way to steady my heart.  
But I found nothing.  
My legs felt weak as I climbed the stairs to my bedroom.  
To our bedroom.  
My hands trembled as I opened the door.  
He was sleeping with his back turned towards the door.  
Max.  
My husband.  
My sweet, loyal husband.  
  
I lingered in the doorway trying desperately to calm   
my beating heart.  
Trying not to feel the pain that ripped at my soul.  
Trying to steady myself.  
DID YOU THINK HE WOULD STAY WITH YOU FOREVER?  
Yes.  
No.  
I don't know.  
I never thought it could hurt so.  
Him leaving.  
  
I moved closer to the bed.  
The rain had passed by an hour later and made the pavement outside  
shine like silver.  
It felt like my whole body was breaking apart all at once.  
I never knew pain like that.  
Never.  
It shouldn't feel like this.  
He was just Luke.  
A friend.  
The moon graced me with its presence in the room as I peeled  
of my clothes.  
I needed sleep.  
It would be better in the morning.  
It had to be.  
I laid down my broken body besides him in the bed.  
I felt so cold.  
I moved closer to him.  
To the warmth of his body.  
Max.  
He moved in his sleep.  
Wrapping his arms around me.  
Pulling me towards him.  
I didn't object.  
I need the comfort of his arms.  
I inhaled the scent of him and I prayed the nearness of  
him would erase the voices that screamed in my head.  
The longing in my heart.  
For another.  
FOOL!  
  
---------------------------------  
Days became weeks and weeks became months.  
I rose everyday.  
I kept living my life in the house that I loved so.  
With the man I had given my heart.  
And the daughter I would lay down my life for.  
The voices that once screamed in my head became muffled scream and  
eventually they died away.  
Only to be replaced by the need to find peace.  
I searched for something.  
Anything.  
To calm my heart.  
To mend my heart.  
But I found nothing.  
But I did as I always have done.  
I brushed my scares aside and focused on other things.  
My family.  
The Inn.  
I did everything.  
Fighting a fight with my heart.  
A battle between my head and heart.  
  
Months flew by.  
Spring made everyone in Stars Hollow shine.  
For me life continued as usual.  
I walked past the closed diner every day.  
And every day I kept hoping to see the sign  
telling me it was open.  
But it never did.  
And eventually I stopped walking by.  
I stopped hoping.  
I tucked the memories of him away in a safe place  
far away in the depth of my heart.  
He was a thing of the past.  
Part of my past.  
Where he belonged.  
----------------------------------------------  
He came back one warm summers night in the middle   
of July.  
I heard in the way of Babette.  
I didn't believe her at first.  
I was so convinced that he would stay away that I didn't  
even wanted to hear her.  
But I went anyway.  
I went for a walk.  
I stood there in the doorway to the kitchen telling him  
that I was just going for a walk.  
I could see the look up on his face.  
Max.  
Something in his eyes knew.  
Just knew.  
He could read the truth in me.  
And for a moment I feared that he might knew  
the whole truth.  
A truth I didn't even dare to whisper to my own heart.  
He didn't say anything.  
He just sat there.  
At our kitchen table.  
Our eyes met.  
I saw sorrow there.  
In his eyes.  
But I called it my imagination and brushed it aside.  
Then I walked away.  
Out of that house.  
--------------------------------  
I set out to find him.  
Luke.  
The man that slipped through my hands.  
A friend.  
I walked towards the diner.  
I had prepared a speech.  
I had gone over it time and time again in my head.  
I had molded the words to fit perfectly.  
Determined to show him that he had done me wrong.  
That he wasn't a good friend.  
But as I stood there in front of his door all those  
words went out the window.  
All I wanted was to see him.  
His smile.  
Him.  
Luke.  
My hands trembled a bit as I knocked on the door to  
the diner.  
Then he appeared.  
He opened the door slowly and gave me a smile.  
A wonderful smile.  
He should smile more.  
That was the first thought that ran through my mind.  
Not anger.  
Not pain.  
Just his smile.  
Then I was in his arms.  
He spun me around.  
Laughing.  
Saying my name.  
Telling me that he had missed me.  
He smelled like soap and hamburgers.  
He put me down in the middle of the diner and looked at me.  
"Nice to see you, Lor."  
He seemed bigger.  
Stronger.  
His skin was painted darker by the sun.  
He was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.  
With his trademark cap.  
I couldn't help but smile.  
"Lukas.."  
He laughed.  
"So."  
"SO."  
"Want coffee?"  
"Sure."  
That was all that I was able to say.  
I had prepared myself for this.  
For our first encounter.  
I had prepared myself for everything.  
Besides this.  
I never thought we could go back to this.  
Guess, I was wrong.  
I sat down at the counter.  
He grabbed the coffeepot and filled a cup.  
"I prepared a pot, just in case.."  
He smiled at me.  
He had changed.  
He looked younger.  
Happier even.  
And I wondered what had happened.  
What had made that change in him?  
"Good, you never know who might be coming around."  
"You never know..."  
"So."  
"SO...What's up? How's everyone? Rory."  
"Oh, she's the same. I had to buy her another bookcase last month.."  
"Oh..And Sookie.."  
"She's driving me crazy as usual..But I love her anyway.."  
"Yeah.."  
Silence.  
I drank my coffee.  
Trying to find the right words.  
Trying to find something to say.  
"Taylor..And Kirk..What about them?"  
"The same...Taylor..he never change..And Kirk.the same.."  
"So nothing has changed since I left."  
His last words died away.  
Left.  
The question screamed in my ear.  
To ask why.  
Why.  
"No."  
That was all I was able to say.  
"Good."  
I finished my coffee.  
Our eyes met.  
"Want more?"  
"Why?"  
That word got away from me.  
"Why what?"  
I faced him this time.  
I didn't back away.  
"Why did you leave, Luke?"  
He looked at me and I tried to read what he was thinking.  
But I found nothing.  
It was like trying to see through stone.  
"Because."  
"Because, what?"  
"Because I wanted to."  
"You have never been the one who travels."  
"I travel."  
"Oh, don't give me that."  
I rose.  
My heart was beating like crazy."  
"I do."  
"HAH, Going to Hartford isn't traveling."  
"What about it? What's it to you why I left?"  
Those words hurt more than I thought was possible.  
I almost stumbled.  
But I refused to show how much it hurt.  
"How can you say that? We are friends, remember? And friends  
tell each other when they are about to leave and stay away for  
six, god damn months!"  
"Don't scream.."  
He came out behind the counter and walked towards me.  
"I do what ever I want. You are not the boss of me!"  
"God knows.."  
Our eyes met.  
"Tell me..Just tell me Luke..Why?"  
Silence.  
He stood before me.  
This man.  
My friend.  
This man I had depended on for so long.  
The one that was a big part of my life.  
"I just had too."  
"You didn't even say goodbye."  
"I wanted to, believe me."  
"Am I no one to you? Am I so unimportant that you don't even bother   
to say goodbye?"  
"God, no..Lorelai..Don't even think that.."  
He moved closer.  
I backed away.  
I couldn't hide the pain this time.  
It came crawling back.  
Tucking at my heart.  
Causing me to fall.  
Tears made my eyes blurry.  
Tears for him.  
For a heart I couldn't control.  
"You didn't write. Not even called."  
"I wanted to. Believe me. I started to write but I didn't know what  
to say to you..I still don't."  
"You just had to pick up the phone and dial my number."  
"I know."  
He reached for me.  
But I slipped from my hand."  
"But you didn't even bother to do that.."  
"Lorelai..I couldn't..."  
Our eyes met.  
"Luke.."  
"I couldn't do that..Lorelai..Because..I thought..You.."  
"What?"  
"For god's sake..Lor..You had Max.."  
"That doesn't mean..I don't want you in my life."  
"Please.."  
"No. We are friends, remember.."  
"You keep telling me that."  
"Yeah.."  
I took his hand in mine and looked at him.  
His hand was warm in mine.  
"I can't, Lor..Not anymore."  
His eyes bore the marks of pain as he looked at me.  
"What do you mean?"  
"I can't do this anymore. I thought I could. I was so convinced   
that I could make things right if I just put some distance between  
us. But I was wrong."  
"I don't understand."  
He broke free from me and turned away from me.  
"You never do."  
Silence lingered between us.  
He walked away from me.  
"Talk to me Luke, please..."  
"How can I make you see something you don't want to?"  
"What?"  
"I tried to put an ocean between us. I thought time might help me.  
But I couldn't..."  
He turned towards me.  
His eyes were dark as he spoke.  
"You are inside of me, now."  
"Luke..."  
"I hear your voice inside of my head."  
I just stood there, trying to find something to say.  
"You are everywhere. I went around the world trying to chase you   
away. I tried.."  
He moved closer to me.  
Slowly.  
"But I couldn't....But I have made peace with the truth now..."  
"What truth?"  
"The truth that I can't have you..."  
"Oh...."  
"I have tried to deny it for so long. For years I tried to convince  
my foolish heart that it was nothing than friendship I wanted with  
you..But I can't..anymore..You are everywhere..In my dreams...  
And it's so painful to know that I can never have you...."  
"Luke..don't.please.."  
Silence.  
He looked at me.  
With those eyes.  
"Why did you come here tonight, Lorelai? To torment me?"  
"No. Of course not."  
Closer now.  
So close that I almost could pick up the slightest whiff of his  
scent.  
"Then why?"  
"Because I wanted to know why."  
"Now you know.."  
He stood before me.  
Pride in his eyes.  
He rose that wall once again.  
I could almost see it.  
"Please, Luke...All I want..."  
"Want what? To be 'friends'?"  
"Please..."  
"I can't do that.."  
He moved away from me.  
My voice was just barely a whisper as I spoke.  
Tears marked my face.  
"I can't let you go..."  
He turned towards me.  
"You have to..."  
Silence.  
We stood there.  
Two lost souls in a diner.  
While the moon came rolling in.  
"Please, Luke..I need....You.."  
He moved so fast.  
I never had a change to react.  
Then I was in his arms.  
He pulled me towards him.  
Then heaven came with all its glory.  
His lips find its way to mine.  
Then I was lost.  
I lost myself in a haze of sensations.  
He had no mercy as he made me crumble in his arms.  
As our tongues met all sanity went out the window  
and I fell into him.  
Suddenly he moved away.  
Pushing me away.  
Soothing away the fire.  
He stumbled backwards.  
Looking me with those eyes.  
I stood there trembling.  
"Lorelai..."  
A voice brought me back.  
Another voice.  
He stood in the doorway.  
In the doorway to the diner.  
The man I married.  
Max.  
Our eyes met.  
And I knew.  
I could almost hear it.  
How his heart shattered into millions of tiny pieces.  
No words were spoken.  
He just looked at me.  
Then he turned around and walked away from me.  
And left me there with a beating heart and the taste of  
another man still lingering on my lips.  
  
*********************************************  
FEEDBACK j_rothen@yahoo.se  
  
The last part is called "To let go" and deals with the events after   
the kiss and what path she will take.  
But also Luke's whole point of view I think..I'm not sure about that...  
We'll see... 


	3. To let go

Title: Sharp hints of tears - To let go  
Author: Jessica  
Email: j_rothen@yahoo.se   
Distribution: Wherever...just let me know where   
Spoilers: None  
Rating: PG  
Category: Romance, AU, angst, V  
Feedback: YES please....j_rothen@yahoo.se  
Pairing: Lorelai/Max, Lorelai/Luke  
Disclaimer:I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THESE CHARACTERS.   
Summary: Can a kiss change everything?  
AUTHORS NOTE: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar  
mistakes may occur.  
THANK YOU: To Sandra..for once again helping me out here..I just  
wish I could give you a big hug to let you know how grateful I am   
for helping me...You're the best!  
¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨  
"And as I watch you leave I stand  
Inside my house of straw  
And everywhere I go I find  
Things recollecting to my mind  
How right it all could be"  
(From "Easy way to cry" by David Gray 'A new day at midnight')  
************************  
Sharp hints of tears (3/3)  
To let go  
by; Jessica  
************************  
  
He walked the streets alone.  
Heading for the house he called his home.  
The moon was his only company.  
He had set out to bring her back.  
To take her home.  
But instead his heart had been ripped out and crushed  
like it was nothing.  
As he walked the path to his house he could almost feel his  
life shatter into tiny pieces.  
And there was nothing he could do to stop it from happening.  
  
------------------------  
I watched him go while something inside of me was  
ripped apart by some unseen hand.  
"Lorelai."  
The world came back with his voice.  
Luke.  
He was close now.  
Too close.  
Panic ate at my heart as I felt his hand on my shoulder.  
Our eyes met.  
"Luke. Don't."  
Then I moved.  
I ran.  
For my life.  
-----------------------  
The stars had come out to grace us with their presence as  
I ran through the streets of this town.  
My heart was beating like crazy.  
A voice was screaming in my ear.  
TRAITOR!  
  
I found him in the kitchen.  
By the table.  
I lingered in the doorway.  
Afraid to go in.  
Searching for words to explain.  
"Max.."  
My voice was barely a whisper.  
He looked up.  
Our eyes met.  
"Don't.."  
Sorrow.  
Pain.  
All those feeling painted his eyes  
in darker colours.  
"Please, I need to explain.."  
I moved closer to him.  
He rose.  
"What is there to say?"  
"Max, please..."  
"I saw you, Lorelai..."  
His eyes reflected so much pain that I almost stumbled.  
A pain that I had caused.  
"It was a mistake."  
Barely a whisper.  
"It didn't look like a mistake.."  
"Please..."  
I was falling apart in front of him.  
Slowly but surely.  
"What?"  
"You have to believe me."  
"You kissed him, Lorelai.."  
Silence.  
I moved closer to him.  
Wanting him closer.  
"HE kissed me."  
"Does it really matter? You didn't really push him away. You just.."  
His voice faded to black.  
I stood there in the middle of my kitchen and I could almost  
hear my life slipping away from me.  
"I'm sorry..I just.."  
"How could you!?"  
He stood before me.  
This man I had vowed to spend the rest of my life with.  
A man that had made me happy.  
That made me smile.  
And I was losing him.  
I reached for him in a weak attempt to mend his heart.  
But he slipped away from me.  
"Don't!"  
"Max..You have to forgive me!"  
"I don't have to forgive anything..."  
"I made a mistake..."  
"Why him, Lorelai? I have seen the way you look at him. Don't  
you think I've noticed? Because I have. At first I thought  
it was nothing. I was so sure of myself that after we were   
married you would change. Then something happened..  
You became quiet..Now I know why..."  
"Max..please.."  
"He left. Luke left Stars Hollow."  
"That has nothing to do with.."  
"Don't lie! You have never been a good liar."  
"What do you want me to say?"  
"Try the truth."  
"Yes, I was depressed after he left..."  
"Just tell me something...."  
"Anything."  
My sight was blurry as I looked into the eyes of the man  
I married.  
"Are you in love with him?"  
The question hit me right in the chest and made me stumble.  
"Max. please.."  
"It's a simple question. Are you in love with Luke Danes?"  
He moved towards me.  
Anger filled his eyes.  
Pain.  
Sorrow.  
I backed away from him.  
Afraid.  
Wanting to run.  
He had no mercy as he continued.  
"Answer the question, Lorelai."  
Tears made its presence known on my cheeks.  
I felt like I was slowly ripped apart piece by piece.  
"I can't!"  
He grabbed me by the shoulders and screamed:  
"Answer me, GOD DAMMIT!"  
I looked at him.  
And I knew what I was about to do would break his heart.  
But there were no way to avoid it.  
"The answer is that I don't know!"  
He let go of me.  
Pain flashed across his face as he moved away from me.  
And I could see something inside of him surrender.  
I could almost see as the walls around his heart came   
crashing down.  
He fell.  
And there were no one there to catch him.  
"Oh.."  
That was the only word that he was able to say as he stumbled   
backwards away from me.  
The same pain that flashed across his face at that moment  
was ripping through me.  
Slowly killing me.  
Eating at my heart causing my insides to bleed.  
It was a painful death.  
But I deserved it.  
"I'm sorry..."  
"Don't..You told the truth."  
"Max.."  
I reached for him.  
I took his hand in mine.  
He didn't move away this time.  
He just looked at me.  
With those eyes.  
Dead eyes.  
Hurting.  
Bleeding.  
"We can get through this.."  
"What's the point?"  
I let go.  
Then he moved.  
He walked away from me.  
------------------------------------------  
Luke's POV  
  
I stood there a long time after she had left.  
The diner was all quiet.  
But it still carried her scent.  
It lingered in every corner.  
Causing me to fall.  
My intention was never to kiss her.  
It just kind of happened.  
Desire got the best of me.  
I don't know.  
I never meant to come between them.  
I was ready to give her up.  
To say goodbye.  
But tonight something inside of me came alive.  
Hope sprung alive.  
A part of me wants to hate her for that.  
For giving me hope when they are none.  
-------------------------------------------  
He left in the morning.  
Just before the sun had warmed the earth.  
He stood in the doorway.  
With his sad eyes he told me to make a decision.  
I had wanted to stop him at first.  
I had tried to make him stay.  
But I couldn't hold him back.  
I couldn't mend his heart.  
He demanded that I would give him up.  
My husband wanted me to sacrifice a friend.  
To give Luke up.  
I stood there in the doorway to the kitchen and   
I watched as he walked away from me.  
Max.  
I wanted to run after him.  
Beg even.  
I had no pride when it came to him.  
But I knew that not even my words could  
make him stay.  
I had hurt him.  
Broken his heart.  
I needed to find a way back to the  
way things were.  
Maybe then I would be okay.  
------------------------------------------  
Luke's POV  
  
I kept expecting her to come to me.  
One day passed by so fast.  
Life returned to normal.  
I moved around this house trying to convince my  
foolish heart that she would come back to me.  
Silly me.  
Dreaming of the impossible.  
That she actually would choose me.  
But there were moments when I was strong.  
When I was ready to pick myself up from the floor  
and move on.  
I was determined then.  
To prevail.  
It was not like I hadn't been here before.  
I had known pain.  
But never like that.  
I wish there was some way I would know that I would be okay.  
But I didn't.  
So I stayed.  
Clinging to that remaining hope that lived inside of me.  
------------------------------------------  
I stood a long time outside his door.  
Trying to find courage to knock on the door.  
The darkness of the night surrounded me.  
I had come to let him out of my life.  
It had taken two days and two nights to make me see.  
The truth.  
To make a decision.  
I would sacrifice him.  
My friend.  
Luke.  
It was the only way.  
To get back the life I clung to.  
  
My hands trembled as I knocked on his door.  
Daring to move.  
He opened a second later.  
"Lorelai.."  
He looked tired.  
Like he hadn't slept for days.  
"Can I come in?"  
My voice was barely a whisper.  
I stepped into his home.  
The warmth of the diner.  
"What are you doing here? It's almost midnight.."  
"I wanted to talk to you..."  
"At this time of night.."  
"Please, Luke.."  
How could I give him up when every part of me was   
screaming to hold on?  
With a smile he surrendered.  
"Sure.."  
"I wanted to talk to you about...that night..The.."  
"The kiss?"  
Our eyes met.  
Memories came back and crashed into me.  
For a single moment I let myself remember.  
The feel of his lips against mine.  
His hands against my skin.  
The warmth of his body against mine.  
"It can never happen again."  
A shadow flashed over his face.  
Pain?  
Sorrow?  
But I was determined.  
I was so sure that I was doing the right thing.  
He wasn't the one.  
He couldn't be the one.  
"Lorelai.."  
He moved towards me.  
Luke.  
I backed away.  
Afraid that if he touched me I would fall.  
And I couldn't do that.  
Could never do that.  
Again.  
"It was never my intention to hurt either of you."  
"But you did."  
"You kissed me back, Lorelai."  
The truth hit me again.  
Hard this time.  
I stopped when the wall was at my back.  
I couldn't run this time.  
He was so close now that I could almost  
pick up the slightest scent of him.  
It made my mind blurry.  
"I made a mistake."  
Pain flashed across his face as he looked at me.  
Something inside of me, deep inside, broke  
into millions of tiny pieces as I saw the pain  
I caused him.  
But I told myself that it was all for the best.  
I was saving myself this time.  
My marriage.  
"No, Lorelai. You're lying."  
Closer.  
Closer now.  
His eyes pierced into me.  
Seeing every part.  
"Don't.."  
"Why did you come here?"  
I wanted to run.  
Something inside was screaming to run from him.  
From the truth that kept eating at my heart.  
That kept breaking me down.  
But I couldn't listen.  
Not this time.  
"To say goodbye."  
He stopped.  
"What?"  
"I came to say goodbye to you."  
"What are you talking about?"  
"Max, told me. To choose. Between you and him."  
"And you chose him."  
"It was never a choice."  
Pain again.  
Painting his eyes in darker colours.  
I moved away from him.  
He didn't stop me.  
"Why do you do this to me?"  
"What do you mean?"  
"Breaking my heart."  
He was standing with his back towards me.  
I wanted to reach out my hand and touch him.  
Just for a single second.  
To know what it felt like.  
To remember the feeling of his skin under my hand.  
But I couldn't.  
I would fall then.  
And I couldn't risk that.  
So I stood there, staring at his back.  
With a voice screaming in my ear to go to him.  
"I'm sorry."  
That was the only thing I could say.  
The words seemed so small.  
Pointless even.  
Like words could mend his heart.  
"I really thought things would be different this time around.  
I was so sure I would be okay after you left that night. I kept  
telling myself that it was just a kiss. But I couldn't...You didn't  
play fair, Lorelai. You never have."  
"Luke..please..You have to understand."  
He turned towards me.  
"You made me hope..that maybe this time..You would see me."  
"I do see you."  
I moved closer.  
Wanting to mend his heart.  
Thinking that my words could heal him.  
Like words could heal anything.  
"But you don't want me."  
Our eyes met.  
I tried to hide from him as I spoke.  
How could I answer that when not even my heart knew the truth?  
When I didn't know?  
"Luke, please..I didn't come here for that."  
"Just answer me..please.."  
He moved closer.  
Sorrow in his eyes.  
Painting his face.  
I didn't run this time.  
It was time to face him.  
To put an end to this.  
To this running around.  
"Don't..I can't.."  
"Just tell me that you didn't feel anything then I will never  
bother you again."  
It was so simple to lie.  
Then everything would be okay.  
Just say those words.  
Then he would go.  
And I would never see him again.  
He would keep his distance.  
As he promised.  
As I wanted.  
It was better this way.  
It had to be.  
"I didn't feel anything."  
"Oh..."  
He surrendered.  
Something deep inside of him shattered.  
I could hear it.  
I could see it crashing down all around us.  
And there was nothing I could do.  
This was a choice I was making.  
To let him go.  
To let him out of my life.  
In favor of the man I married.  
The man I loved.  
"I never meant to hurt you..."  
"Too late.."  
His words faded to black.  
I moved.  
I dared to move.  
Why did it hurt so?  
This was the right thing to do.  
Then why did it cause me so much pain?  
I moved towards the door.  
I stopped in front of it.  
I was already missing him.  
This place.  
The diner.  
The life I once had.  
But I was saving a life.  
Saving a heart.  
My hands trembled as I opened the door to the diner.  
Tears made my sight blurry.  
I shouldn't cry.  
I didn't deserve to cry.  
"Don't go....I'm begging you."  
His voice pierced through the night.  
I turned around.  
He stood there.  
In the middle of the diner.  
Our eyes met.  
Begging.  
Pleading for me to stay.  
With him.  
To love him.  
My heart ached as I looked at him.  
"Please, stay."  
I wanted to.  
Something inside wanted to run into his arms and  
burry myself there forever.  
But I couldn't.  
"I can't..."  
He moved fast.  
I didn't run.  
I let him come.  
He framed my face between his hands.  
Gently.  
I didn't move.  
I didn't run.  
This was goodbye.  
Then he leaned down and brushed his lips against mine.  
Softly.  
Heavenly.  
And I fell.  
God, how I fell.  
As we parted he whispered:  
"Goodbye, Lorelai.."  
Then he let go.  
Of me.  
I moved.  
My legs moved.  
I walked out of that door.  
I turned around and looked at him.  
Standing in the doorway to the diner.  
"Goodbye.."  
Then I walked away from him.  
  
I walked the path to my house alone.  
While the moon made its way across the sky above.  
Tomorrow he will come home.  
The man I married.  
And then Rory.  
We will be a family.  
And I pray that somewhere along the way  
I will mend this heart of mine.  
And maybe eventually I will forget about the man that  
once own the diner.  
That once was my friend.  
That once I loved.  
And maybe then I will be okay.  
----------------------------------  
Feedback ---j_rothen@yahoo.se 


End file.
